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He Doesn't Want to Give me Head Anymore. What Do I Do!?

Hello Doctor,My boyfriend and I have been together for some time now, before we had made it official and actually settled down he would always preform oral sex on me, constantly for up to 40  minutes straight, he would even ask if he could give me head, even after we settled down he did it regularly, he loved it. Now it's been almost 4 months since the rejection began, it started with me asking him to go down on me because I would notice he would'nt do it on his own, so I began giving him more head to pleasure him and I think that only made things worse, he would do it even less.Now it's gotten to the point where he flat out rejects  me and comes up with an excuse as to why he doesn't feel like it. He'll say things like "My mouth is dry" "I'm full from eating" "I'm hungry" "I'm thirsty" "I'm tired" he has only giving me head once in that last maybe 4 months I think... and it was because I had motioned for him to do so. Doctor I don't know what this means, it upsets me because I always pleasure him. In addition we sometimes have this problem where his penis goes down while we're having sex, I become sincere and try asking him what is he thinking about and if anything is wrong, but he insists nothing is wrong, sometimes he blames it on having masturbated the day before or few days prior.Today I blew up after he rejected to give me head and he told me I shold maybe stop asking for it, which only got me angrier because he is always asking me to give him head constantly, and I always do, I even give him head without him asking me to do so... anyway, after I blew up i stormed out of his house and went home to prevent myself from saying any hurtful things.I don't know what to think doctor, help me :(

Answer: 

Are you sure that this guy hasn’t stopped giving you oral sex because he’s suffering from a case of lockjaw as a result of overuse! But seriously, I agree you have a major pussy power struggle on your hands. Clearly, the more you ask him to go down on you, the more he withholds.

Remember, withholding behavior is a passive way of venting anger. The person is expressing his/her anger by not giving you what you want. In this case oral sex.

It sounds to me like your guy is filled with anger. It also seems like he’s unconsciously running a number on you. First, he seduced you with Olympic rounds of oral sex. Then he put your pussy out to pasture. Meanwhile, he expects you to give him oral sex! At the same time, his penis hasn’t started striking. His explanation is that he’s given himself pleasure and has nothing left for you (more withholding).

So we know he’s angry, but he won’t own it. The thing is, the person with a passive-aggressive personality disorder is unaware that he/she is angry. The behaviors serve to discharge the buried feelings and, here’s the beauty of it, this way the person never has to get in touch with his/her feelings.  

I have to also say that your guy sounds oppositional too. In other words, he’s the kind of person who will do the opposite of what you want simply because you’re telling him what you want him to do. I bet you that he had parents who controlled him. This means that he’s stored up a lot of anger towards the parents who told him what to do. Because he hasn’t worked out his issues with his parents, he’s managed to turn you into his parent, so that he can give you the anger that he harbors toward his parents. I’m thinking that by giving you great oral sex and then removing it, he set you up to be his controlling/demanding parent. This way he gets to stick it to you (not!) the way he didn’t get to stick it to his parents. What’s more, he’s actually broadcasting to you the fact that he’s withholding because you keep asking.

Now what?  You can try to get him to look at his behavior and look at how he’s provoking you to be angry. To do this you would ask him, “How does he want you to feel when he won’t give you oral sex?” “Does he want you to feel angry, deprived?” Then you could then try to get him to see the link to his own feelings. You could ask him if he felt this way growing up. Could he come up with a memory in which he felt seduced and then dropped, deprived and angry? Just so you know, people will also unconsciously arrange scenarios in which we end up feeling how they did as kids, so that we can get a firsthand experience of what they experienced. If this is what he’s doing, then you might say, “Do you want me to know what it felt like for you as a boy?”

If he’s willing to engage in this way, then he will no longer need to keep this game going. 

I’m afraid he’s not likely to own his issues. To do so would be too painful for him. By withholding oral sex, he simultaneously gets to dump his own anger onto you, who he sees as his controlling parent, and he also gets you to carry the fury he felt in response to his parents’ controls.

Another alternative is for you to do a behavioral maneuver that’s designed to get him to directly own his own anger. To do this you could just stop giving him oral sex. When he asks you why you won’t give it to him, you could mirror back to him what he says to you by saying that your jaw hurts, you’re tired, etc. When you don’t give him his way, this may smoke him out and get him to openly admit to his anger. If he comes out with his anger toward you, that would be better than these withholding behaviors.

You’ve got your work cut out for you.

I must say that I don’t think you’ll be able to work this through without help.

If you would like me to help you both, you can reach out to me in my Private Consulting division.

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