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Dating a Much Older Man

Hi. I am an 18 year old girl who has been in a relationship with a guy who is 30 for a year now. Our relationship hasn't been the best and I think it's both our faults. This guy left his ex girlfriend who was 28 years old for me that I'm 18. After getting together, he kept talking to her and I had this idea in my head that if he cheated on her he would most likely do it to me so I constantly questioned him I constantly argued over HER. He was very sweet in the beginning but I think the constant arguments turned him into an asshole. He started treating me bad and constantly breaking up with me. We break up and make up. I'm not an angel either, I have done some messed up things for him to feel some resentment towards me. But I have never cheated so I haven't gone that far. A few months back  I caught him flirting with some girl which he's been knowing since high school. Ever since I've been having more problems because I don't want to accept the fact that he did that. When I ask him to delete her from his social networks he says NO, he won't do that because shes only a friend it was "harmless flirting" and I hate that. I hate her and I hate that he doesn't do what I ask him for.  he says he's tired of me because I can't trust him and get over the past. He says I constantly keep bringing  up the past and also another huge problem is that he likes going out with friends to bars an celebrate his friends birthdays and it gets me mad because I don't trust him and I wish he would just instead spend that time with me. He tells me I don't accept that fact that I am not allowed to go where he goes because it's 21* places. I honestly don't know what to do. He gets mad over everything, he treats me bad and we always break up. He knows I love him and he knows he has me and I don't want. But if I show him I don't care he will end up leavin for good because he says I have a really bad personality and I'm bitter, he says I'm always trying to argue and I question and doubt him a lot and he's says sometimes he feels like he loves and sometimes he's not sure but over all he can say he does love me which doesn't made sense to me. Somehow we always end up back together and I don't understand why he comes back after everything he tells me. Like saying he's tired of me and no longer wants to be with me. 

Answer: 

Wow. I got exhausted just reading your about your situation.

You say that your mistrust and jealousy of him created fighting, which turned him into an a-hole.

I think the problem is more complicated that that!

Here’s the deal. You chose a guy who cheated on his girlfriend with you. No wonder you felt worried about his capacity for fidelity. If he cheated before, why wouldn’t he cheat again?

And, he flirts with other females and refuses to stop.

No wonder you feel insecure!

Believe it or not, you gave me a big clue as to why he knows he can disrespect you the way he does.

You said, “He knows I love him and he knows he has me and I don't want…” I assume the rest of this sentence was supposed to be, “and I don’t want to lose him.”

When one partner sends out the message “you have me no matter what” you are sending out a signal to the other partner that says: Go ahead, dump on me I’m not going anywhere!

This kind of message is very damaging to a relationship especially if you have a partner who tends toward selfishness.

In order for this relationship to recalibrate you must make a radical shift within yourself, and that shift is from loving him no matter what to loving yourself above all.

No matter how much you love him, you must heal your self-esteem and raise what I call your Personal Net Worth. When we don’t love ourselves, we become doormats to others. I have an entire step-by-step plan for healing your self-esteem in my book Make Up Don’t Break Up http://askdrlove.com/make-up-dont-break-up. I encourage you to read it.

As you learn to love yourself, you will treat yourself with respect and you will expect the same from him. Loving yourself means that you will no longer accept his dismissing your feelings about his flirting with other women.

Here’s the beauty of raising your Personal Net Worth. He’s just going to know that you aren’t going to stick around if he doesn’t give you the feeling of safety and security. If he loves you, believe me, he will step up to the plate and clean up his act in order to not lose you. Now, he doesn’t have to change a damn thing. You aren’t going anywhere! You said so yourself.

There’s one more thing I want you to consider.

You chose a guy who cheated and who leaves you constantly insecure for a reason.

If you’ve been reading my columns for a while you know that we humans repeat the trauma we suffered as kids in an attempt to heal that trauma.

Stay with me now…

I suspect that you experienced some kind of abandonment when you were young (perhaps your mom or dad left home or perhaps mom or dad wasn’t there for you).

When you experience abandonment during your formative years, this sets you up to choose a partner who keeps you right at home so that you can continue feeling afraid of abandonment!

It sounds crazy but there is a method to the madness!

When you chose a person who emotionally resembles the parent who let you down, you were setting the stage.

Next, you began reliving the old feelings of insecurity.

The repeat performance was staged so that you could work for what I call your Happy Ending, which is the resolution to the Old Scar from childhood.

In your case, your Happy Ending would be that your boyfriend makes you feel safe in his love.

Is this happening?

No!

Why?

Partly because your own jealousy and accusations pushed him away, which makes you feel more insecure…And, partly because he, himself, isn’t entirely trustworthy. He did cheat on his ex and he also flirts.

So, how can you achieve your Happy Ending?

I suggest you read my Hay House book Kiss Your Fights Good-bye http://askdrlove.com/KissYourFightsGoodbye, which will show you how to identify and heal your Old Scar.

The book will also show you how to talk to your boyfriend so that you stop pissing him off and pushing him away.

I suspect that your boyfriend may be punishing by flirting and refusing to stop. So, when you stop pissing him off he may be less inclined to stick it to you in this way.

There’s more. As you heal, and you raise your Personal Net Worth, you will be further stacking the deck in your favor.

As you heal and feel better about yourself, you will send out a message to him that you aren’t going to take it any more. Then, he should naturally come around and treat you better, make you feel first and stop flirting.

And, guess what. His better treatment of you will be the fulfillment of your Happy Ending! He will give you the feeling of love and security that you needed as a child!

Here’s the irony. As you heal and raise your Personal Net Worth, you won’t need the Happy Ending from him. You’ll be giving love to yourself!

Then, when he comes around, it will be icing on the cake.

Let me know you make out!

 

 

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