Win Your Ex Back Step 3: Letting The Dust Settle
September 28, 2012
Get Your Ex Back
This is the stage of my program that just might the hardest to do because it still involves, well, doing nothing. This will require self-control and discipline. If you feel you don’t have much in the way of those qualities right now, it’s time to develop them.
Now, when I tell you to do nothing, of course I’m only talking about actions that involve your ex -- except for one little action step I'm going to give you in a moment. The purpose of this is so you can free up time and space for you to focus on the real work you have to do, which is not on your ex, but on yourself and on undertanding and absorbing the information I gave you in Step One. So, you're not really doing nothing. You're learning, growing, and preparing.
I promise you that, until you've gone through all my materials, your best course of action at this point concerning your ex is inaction. Don’t give in to your urge to call, text, email, leave comments on Facebook, show up unannounced, drive by his or her house or neighborhood, and so on and so forth. Avoid your ex at all costs.
And don’t give in to any provocations on your ex's part, either. If your ex contacts you in any way, especially a negative way, don’t engage, don’t take the bait. Be the bigger person and walk away.
I understand that you have a burning desire that is screaming for some action. And here I am promising I can help get your ex back, and I’m still telling you to stop?! Why can’t we get on with this and get some results?
There are many reasons for this pause. First and foremost is that you still have to get a grip on your number one enemy in this situation, which is, quite simply, that burning desire I just spoke of. To put it another way, I’ve also called this phase of the process the “cool your jets” stage, indicating your need to calm down, cool off, and get yourself together, to gather the resolve and patience you’re going to need to see the reconciliation process through to the finish line.
Revving your rocket engines up at this point is only likely to get you in more trouble. In my couple’s counseling practice over the years I’ve seen most of the worst mistakes made at this point than any other. When the wound is fresh and passions run high is when we say and do the stupidest things. It’s also when we’re most likely to fall into the same old relationship patterns that got us in trouble in the first place. A relationship cannot be reconciled until it breaks out of these old patterns. Yes, I have made this point already, and I'm going to probably continue to say it throughout this course!
No don’t forget, your ex’s passions are also turbo-charged right now. Your ex has a lot of emotion and pride invested in the decision to break up and is just waiting for the right reason to completely write you off forever. This makes for a very volatile situation. One false move at this point and you could blow all your future chances of winning your ex back for good!
This is why you still really must study more closely those Relationship Essential Nutrients I talked about in step one, take the time to understand just what it will take to reconcile your relationship and formulate a plan based on that knowledge, and follow through with every step of my plan that is designed to disarm both of you so you can proceed forward with and eye on the future instead of mired in the past.
It is at this point when you must fully realize that your greatest tool is not smooth lines or fancy gifts or romantic movie antics that only work in the movies. The secret, if ever there was one, in getting your ex back lies only in rekindling the love that was there to begin with but is now buried. This process absolutely must begin with taking care of yourself and remaking yourself in order to make yourself attractive to your ex again.
Now, to get started on that path, here’s the one and only contact you can make with your ex at this point in the reconciliation process:
Via email, text, or voicemail message (yes, I mean call when you know that you can't talk live!) let your ex know that you’ve been thinking it over and you're beginning to realize why he/she was so unhappy and felt that breaking up was the only answer.
If you were the one who left, simply say you see things so much more clearly now than you did before, and you realize the part you played in the failure of the relationship.
Leave it at that. That will plant the seed you want to see grow.
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