Win Your Ex Back Step 2: The Universal Human Need
September 29, 2012
Get Your Ex Back
Even the most superficial of today’s “get your ex back” programs recommend that the first thing you need to do is back off, curb your sense of urgency, and take some time to calm down and reflect.
There are good reasons for this advice. To begin with, you run the risk of driving your ex away if you push too hard and fast. Next, your heightened emotional state is likely to cause you to say and do the wrong things. And finally, but most importantly, you need to put your emotions in check and make sure you really are doing the right thing for yourself.
But there’s more to it than that. You need to go even deeper. You need to take yet another step back and ask yourself this question: what is it that you and your ex were looking for in the relationship? What is it you were seeking in the other person?
I don’t mean why you were attracted to your ex. I mean, what is the fundamental Universal Human Need that causes people to get into relationships to begin with? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not sex, or not exactly.
This fundamental human need I further break down into what I call Relationship Essential Nutrients. Some of these nutrients are the same for men and women, and some are quite different. These nutrients are what you need to give to your ex in order to motivate him/her to come back to you and stay for a lifetime.
This is where a thorough reconciliation program will go further and deeper than all the quick fix methods out there. Without a clear understanding of what holds human relationships together, how can you ever hope to restore what's broken? It’s like trying to build a house without understanding gravity.
Furthermore, when you understand what these Relationship Essential Nutrients are, you can then go on to figure out what went wrong, why your relationship fell apart to begin with. This step too is quite blatantly ignored by many “get your ex back” methods today. But how can you fix something if you don’t know why it broke?
I understand why so many so-called “experts” sidestep this issue. They don’t know how to handle it. Now, nobody knows better than me that it’s a minefield. I can’t tell you how many difficult sessions I have sat through with couples yelling, insulting, and hurling accusations at each other. Sure, people can get caught up in that, but with the right guidance, while it might be difficult at first and seem like “dangerous” territory to get into, you will soon get past your personal agenda and focus on what’s good for the relationship. I can tell you for certain that if you don’t face this issue now, you will end up facing it sooner or later. A minefield swept under the rug is bound to get stepped on again.
The purpose of looking into what went wrong is not to go around in circles of guilt and blame and who’s wrong and who’s right. When you can honestly see what went wrong, you will in turn focus on the positive and affirm what was right. And you will learn how to better communicate your needs so you can support and nurture one another.
Only then will you be able to provide each other with that one Universal Human Need and those Relationship Essential Nutrients that are vital to keeping a relationship healthy, alive, and thriving.
For a complete explanation of the Universal Human Need and how to feed your relationship those Relationship Essential Nutrients, read the first chapter of Make Up don't Break Up: Dr. Love's 5-Step Plan for Reconcling With Your Ex.
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