What Is He Trying to Say?

January 9, 2012

Question

Hello, 

I would like to know what this guy is trying to tell me. His attitude was really confusing lately.

He's my church friend. He is/was really nice to me... he helped me, sat next to me, goof around and he comfort me when I told him that I'm worried about my university entrance exams. He also complimented my mom's cooking (cz my mom cooked the food for the Christmas Celebration).

When we were making food (sushi) at a friends house, he compliments me for being good at making sushi and asked me to help him make a sushi. He sat next to me almost for the whole time. Sometimes he also teased me....bcz when I said 'My mom's gonna kill me!' he said 'Yeah...when she kills you, she's gonna cook you into that yummy Chicken she made last time!'. While we were playing board-games, he complimented me again like 'Wow..you're good!'. 

The next day, he's just ignoring me for no reason.

At the new year party, there's a friend (guy) who is actually almost like a brother to me who hugged me (cz we won the game). When I hugged that guy, I saw him looking at us, but then I just look away. (FIY: In our group of people, girl and guys don't really hug each other, unless they're in relationship/family).

When I was talking to his friend (a girl) who came to town to visit him, he suddenly came to us and start talking to this girl  "You should stay at my friend's place...it's dangerous to take the train at the moment....there will be a lot of drunk people. But don't worry, I'll walk you there..." He also looked at me because I starred at him while he's telling that (since I have to take the train to go home, and he knows that). But when I look at him, he didn't say anything but keep talking to that girl and then walked away.

Then...when I was talking to my own friends, he suddenly came and start singing/rapping a song from a Video that we watched while we were making sushi ...he put a bottle of water on a table next to me (he stand between me and my friend while we were talking...kinda annoying actually!) and then he stands next to me, he didn't say anything but start looking around and talk to some friends.

Last Sunday, after church, he asked me if I have smaller money to exchange with him. At that time, he still looked into my eyes as usual and he still give a  smile at me.

At coffee'n snacks time, this guy was standing behind me and then an adult man (who is kinda close to this guy) asked me 'Why aren't u eating anything?' I answered with 'No, I'm still full...maybe later.' and then this man continued  'Do you want him to take the food for you?' while he pointed at this guy. I said 'No...it's okay' with a smile and this guy just laughed like a dork like 'HA...HA...HA...'. I didn't see his expression tho cz I was facing my best-friend and I was trying to avoid awkwardness!

Not long after that, this guy sat next to me...I was being nice and asked him some question, he did answer me but he avoided eye contact.

Do you know why this guy is behaving like this?

Is he giving me a sign that he's NOT interested in me and only sees me as a friend?

To be honest, I do have feelings for him.

(Both of us are 19; I'm 4 months older than him).

Thank you for your answer.


Answer

I understand why you can’t figure this guy out. His behavior is inconsistent, to say the least!

If I understand the sequence of events, he came in close, and then ignored you the next day. You say that he had no good reason to ignore you, but keep in mind the psyche has many layers, and oftentimes the layers are in conflict. By this I mean, he can like you with all his heart, which I believe he does, but on another level be utterly frightened. You should know that many people are terrified of getting too close to another person. Fear of intimacy, fear of being engulfed, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, are just some of the reasons for the fear.

I also sense that he isn’t sure if YOU like him. When you hugged that other guy in front of him—something that people in your group don’t do unless they are a couple or family, your actions sent out confusing signals to him.

If you like this guy, then clear up the confusion. Let him know that you like him. There are various ways to do this ranging from open, approachable body language (smiles, eye contact, touching him, etc.) to direct verbal communication in which you tell him that you like him and want to see him more.

I know you may think that men are the aggressors and the ones who make the first move. Contrary to popular belief, men are generally frightened of being rejected too. They don’t make their move until they are sure that the girl likes them for sure.

So give this dear boy a nudge and take him out his (and your own) misery!

- Doctor Love


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