So Sad and Confused

Oh my dear girl. Your poor heart is broken. Mine is broken for you, not only because he didn't respond positively. I am above all sad over the way you doubt and blame yourself. Oh how women fall into this terrible trap! Look at how you inventoried yourself (I'm beautiful, I'm slim, so what's wrong with me! Why doesn't he want me?) in an effort to figure out what's wrong with you. But YOU aren't the problem. HE IS!!

How do I know?

Before I go farther, let me say that I know you love him and it's hard to hear someone criticize a person you love. But, for your sake, I must be critical of him. I must say that he behaved unforgivably to you. Whatever his reasons for not wanting to have a relationship (and I assure you that the reasons have nothing to do with anything that's wrong with you!) he behaved like a cad. He was insensitive and inconsiderate of your magnificent gift. A man who behaves this way is not a man that you want to be in a relationship with.

For this reason, I don't want you to pursue him further. Don't fool yourself into believing that you would like to be his friend. That's not what you want. You shouldn't settle for crumbs. Besides, he's not the kind of man who would make a good, loyal and caring partner or friend.

Even if he were suitable, chasing a man, begging for his attention and friendship is a definite turn off. So don't pursue him.

The larger issue here is you. You don't love yourself enough. Your pattern of self-doubt and self-blame is not only a symptom of your lack of self-love but also a cause of it. You see, each time you engage in self-doubt/self-blame, your self-esteem plunges lower.

I want you to practice a new way of thinking. Instead of automatically blaming and doubting yourself, I want you to take your ego out of the equation and instead examine the other person and what's wrong with him! In this case, you would say to yourself: Since I know I'm beautiful and attractive, what could be HIS problem. Then think of explanations for his behavior that have nothing to do with you. For example, he was mad at my sister for rejecting him and he took it out on me. He has a rule against dating underage women. He has a particular physical type that he likes (some men like blonds and only blonds) and no matter how beautiful I am, I'm not his type, etc. Can you see how each of these thoughts take the blame off of you and preserve your ego? Practice thinking this way and you are going to feel better and better about yourself.

In addition to changing the way you think, to completely cure this problem I want you to examine the origin of this pattern of self-doubt and self-blame comes from.

I can think of three sources: 1) Cultural Reasons. Our culture encourages women to be self effacing, which naturally leads a woman to attack and blame herself rather than examine the limitations of the ther person; 2) You were picked on by a parent, which trains you to diss yourself; and 3) You watched your parents treat each other unkindly, which teaches you to do the same to yourself and also leads you to seek out men who will dump on you.

This pattern of self-blame/self-doubt is going to harm you in life. I beg you to figure out where it comes from and heal the wound that's causing the pattern. If you need extra help in figuring it out, read my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). The book is available on Amazon or as an ebook that you can download.

Please keep in touch and let me know how you're progressing in your healing!