Am I too Spoiled?

When you asked if you are too spoiled, you are being unkind to yourself. Your wishes and needs are a part of you. They should be accepted and respected, not chastised. The fact that you don't feel entitled to your needs makes it easier for him to blow you off. If you don't respect yourself why would he?

So, starting here and now, promise me that you will embrace your wish for more contact. It would seem that you suffer from an intimacy needs clash. This means that you want to see him more than 2 or 3 times a week. You also don't want to be out of contact for two weeks at a time. Differing intimacy needs can sufficient to ruin a relationship.

You say that this man uses work as an excuse to ignore you. I wonder if he's afraid of being too close to you and whether he using his work as a distancing tool.

It may feel to you like he doesn't care, but I'm quite sure that he does care deeply for you. It sounds to me like he cares for you more than he's comfortable with; when he becomes too frightened by the closeness, he then uses his work as an excuse that allows him to take distance from you.

I also sense that he is a man who doesn't handle his feelings well. When he gets upset, his way of dealing is to disappear. If he's really upset, then he stays gone for a while.

Rather than nag him and demand more than he can give right now, I suggest you talk to him about the problems I've outlined. The key is to give him the feeling that you aren't pressuring him but simply want to understand him. Ask him if he's aware that he's afraid of getting too close. Point out the behaviors that let you know he's scared.

For example, you might have noticed that he suddenly disappears for two weeks after you've been really connected. Explain to him that a fear of intimacy is always caused by deeper fears, such as the fear of abandonment through death or desertion, fear of rejection, and fear of engulfment (the terror that you might get too close and eat him alive). I discuss at length all these fears and how to heal them in both the Personality Profile and in my book, Till Death Do Us Part.

Obviously I don't have the same kind of space in this column to go into the detail that I do in the Profile and in the book, so I encourage you both to make use of both of these tools so that you can help him to heal and save the relationship.