Am I a Sideline Guy?

The title of your question was "Am I a sideline guy?" You answered your own question in the title, did you not?

From everything you've said, it's clear to me that you are not only being sidelined by her; you are also being used for her own gratification (advice, support, money, etc.).

Before you go farther, we need to be clear on what you want. It would seem that you want to win the prize, which is sex. But I think you are fooling yourself if you believe that this is all you want. You are clearly very attached to this woman. You seem to be trying to win her love.

It seems to me that you are chasing a mirage. This woman does not sound healthy enough to be treated as well as you treat her. She permits you to give her a few crumbs of love from time to time, but she can't swallow any more than minimal and infrequent feedings from you. In other words, she's married to her unhappy and unfulfilling marriage.

Now back to you. You are caught in your own dead-end struggle. You are chasing after a rainbow, a person who is not able to be with you in a complete way. Maybe one day you'll win sex, but so what? Do you think that this will satisfy you? Once you have a taste, you'll just want more and more of her. Then you will feel even more frustrated than you do now.

I think the real question here isn't whether you're being sidelined or used but rather why you wish to pursue someone who isn't capable of reciprocating your love, someone who disrespects and even mistreats you by blowing off dates and who disappears for weeks.

To answer the question why you pursue someone who starves you like this, you will need to look into your own childhood. I have the sense that you are no stranger to emotional deprivation. I am fairly certain that you were neglected or rejected outright by a parent who wasn't there for you, had no time for you, etc. This type of early deprivation creates a compulsive urge to heal the early wound. To that end, you will be drawn to someone who can't give to you now. You will then try to "win" the other person's love by being giving and generous. Sound familiar? Your unconscious mind thinks that if you can succeed in winning her love, you will feel as though you won the love of your distant, unavailable parent. This dance is called the repetition compulsion. I've written widely on this topic (see my archived columns).

The problem with the repetition compulsion is that it never produces the desired healing. This is because we all choose partners who emotionally resemble the parent who let us down, which means that they are just as incapable as our parents were of giving us what we need.

If you do some soul searching, I think you will realize what I'm telling you is true. The next step is to focus on healing the wound, which will free you from the futile struggle of trying to win blood (or sex) from a stone…It will also liberate you to pursue a woman who can love you back with all her heart, soul AND body.